Stupidity Abounds
by Maggoctopus
Summary: Bloopers and other stupid little in-jokes only Metal Gear fans would find amusing. (at least, *I* think they're amusing...) 3rd part up!
1. Installment 1

it's time for another installment of Metal Gear Solid stupidity, from yours truly! ^_^ this time with lots of help from my ever-so-lovely assistant/Snake impersonator, Talman (talmanshark@earthlink.net)- he came up with about half of these, so much kudos to him. oh, and a little thanks to Verldhoozewine, too. ^_~ 

some of these are for MGS1, some for MGS2; some fit into either, but the ones that refer to events in MGS2, I put in that category. that said, enjoy! or something. ^_^;; 

***  
MGS1 bloopers 

**Ninja:***about to start dramatic monloque, then pauses as Snake connects a modem cable into his exoskeleton* Um, what are you doing?  
**Snake:** Trying to log on... then dowload the Melissa virus into you. More simple than flat out fighting with you again.  
**Ninja:** Sometimes it sucks to be half machine. 

-- 

**Liquid: **We end this now brother. *aims Rex's missiles at Snake, then smacks the control panel as the machine suddenly loses power* Bloody Hell! Work you piece of junk!  
**Snake**: ....  
**Liquid:** That's what you get when you purchase cheap equipment from Microsoft... Does anybody know how to use this blasted thing?!  
**Director:** Try Ctrl-Alt-Delete?  
**Liquid:** If it was that bloody simple, don't you think I would have tried it to begin with?!  
**Snake:** That settles it... I am the dominant one. *mumbles something about Liquid's stupidity as he goes to get some coffee* 

-- 

**Snake: **What do I do if I want to save?  
**Otacon:** ....  
**Snake: **...what?  
**Otacon: **That just totally ruined the movie'ish feel we had going for a while.  
**Snake:** ...damn. 

-- 

**Vulcan:** Snakes don't belong in Alaska!  
**Snake:** Technically, ravens don't belong here either!  
**Vulcan:**.....Damn you! 

-- 

**Revolver:** I love to reload during a fight... Oops. *drops some bullets down a grating*  
**Snake:** An opening! *shots Ocelot in the ass*  
**Revolver:** Hey! I dropped my ammo you dumbass!   
**Snake: **You should've said cut. 

-- 

**Psycho Mantis:** I can't read your.... What the..?!  
**Snake comes up from behind the desk and blast Psycho with a Nikita missile, leaving a bloody mess all over the book shelves and walls  
Meryl**: ....  
**Director:** SNAKE! You were supposed to shoot him, not blow him up!  
**Snake:** Sorry...  
**Director:** Sorry isn't going to bring him back. Geesh.. *walks off, rubbing his head* 

-- 

**Meryl:** There's a mine field here Snake. Follow my every move so you don't trip any *walks a long and most confusing path around the mines*  
**Snake shrugs and runs straight forward to the other side, avoiding them  
Meryl:** You suck, you know that? 

***  
Now for some MGS2 ones. ^_^; 

-- 

**Vamp:** *spins towards Raiden, then suddenly slips on a puddle of blood and falls flat on his face* ... GODDAMMIT!  
**Raiden: **... *turns around and walks out into the hallway, then bursts out laughing* 

-- 

**Raiden steps onto the Heliport and arches a brow as a fat man on roller blades streaks past  
Fatman:***skids to a halt and eyes Raiden* What?! What are you looking at?!  
**Raiden:** Dead Cell must've been desperate when they recruited you. 

-- 

**Raiden:** *tries to lead Emma through the patch of lice*  
**Emma:** Eww! Bugs! *balks*  
**Raiden: **That is IT! I _quit_! *throws all the equipment down and stalks off*  
**Director:** *grumbles and looks at Snake*  
**Snake: **What? I'm not going to mess with her! Make Otacon do it! 

-- 

**Vamp: ***cringes, rubbing his chest where he just cut himself* Argh... I thought they said they'd get get my stunt double to do this! 

-- 

**Colonel:** Now Raiden, to hang from the railing, just press the action button-  
**Raiden**: The what?!  
**Colonel:** The action button! You know, the _action _button?  
**Raiden: **... _this_ thing? *a gunshot is heard on his end, then silence*  
**Colonel: **Raiden? RAIDEN?! ... dammit, I knew we shouldn't have used the VR boy! 

-- 

**Ocelot: ***pelts Snake with teacakes* Take THAT!  
**Snake:** Dammit, not this again! 

-- 

**Ninja sits there playing chapter two in MGS2, sweatdropping as he reaches the point where Vamp enters.  
Ninja:** Those cheap bastards.... 

-- 

**Ninja of MGS2:** Just call me DeepThroat  
**Raiden: **DeepThroat huh?  
**Stage Hand:** *coughs*RipOff*coughs*  
**Director: **That's it! You're fired! 

-- 

**Raiden dresses in enemy soldier attire  
Raiden:** Won't they know I'm not one of them because of my lack of accent?  
**Colonel:** That's not important now. What's important is you complete your mission flawlessly.  
**Raiden:**...That didn't even remotely answer my question... 

-- 

**Snake: **Raven?! *sees the shadow on the wall and turns the corner quickly, firing a shot*  
**Raven figure:** Raaaaaaaa! *fires bbs at Snake*  
**Snake:** Gah! That thing put my eye out!  
**Director:** Wheres the genius that left that there?! 


	2. Installment 2

more, since ya asked. again, credit to Verldhoozewine and Talman for coming up with some. ^_^; we'll have more Ninja jokes next time, I promise. 

**  
MGS 

**Vulcan jumps off the crate, hefting his gun at Snake.  
Snake: **Technically, you shouldn't be able to carry that thing it's meant to be mounted on an A-10  
**Vulcan: ***falls over* Damn you!  
**Director: **Stop wasting film! 

-- 

**Vulcan jumps off the crate, hefting his gun at Snake.  
Snake:** *eyes the weapon* compensating for something? *sly grin*  
**Vulcan:** *throws the gun down* That's it! I can't _work_ in these conditions! *storms off* If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer! 

-- 

**Sniper Wolf appears.  
Snake:** Is she supposed to be threatening? The only thing _threatening _about her is the threat she might _fall out _of her top, if you know what I mean  
**Wolf: ** *zips up her top*  
**Meryl: ***steps out of nowhere and punches Snake in the stomach* 

-- 

**Snake enters the room with Psycho Mantis, only to find hundreds of praying mantis crawling everywhere.**  
**Snake: ***sarcastically* Very intimidating.  
**Mantis: **_You_ think of something, then! 

-- 

**Snake enters the room with Psycho Mantis. Mantis is hovering in the floor.  
Snake:** *stage whisper, pointing above Mantis* Hey, I can see your strings.  
**Mantis: **Ack! 

-- 

**During the scene where Mantis has mind control over Meryl...  
Meryl: **Snake, do you want me?  
**Snake:** HELL YEAH! *grabs her and runs off*  
**Mantis:** That's not how it goes! 

-- 

**Snake: ***eyeing Meryl and Wolf* How come I have to wear this special suit and get all the nanomachines to survive in the subzero temperatures, but you two can run around in _that_??  
**Wolf:** Because we're hotter than you.  
**Snake: **I don't know, you ladies look kind of _cold_ to me... *grins widely*  
**Wolf and Meryl both slap Snake.**

***  
MGS2 

**Snake sits there playing MGS2, then stumbles' upon the part where Snake gets a little uh friendly with the poster. (You know what I mean.)  
Snake:** *glares at Kojima* You left that in there?!  
**Kojima:** *shrugs* It was funny! 

-- 

**Raiden is working his way through the Big Shell, when the guard overhead starts urinating over the edge.  
Raiden:** What the? *looks up* AAUGH! EEW! He _splattered_ me!! *runs off shrieking* 


	3. Installment 3

by not-so-popular demand... yes that's right... MORE bloopers! =D much credit to Talman again, and Tess. because Tess r0x0rs your b0x0rs.  
and thanks to Talman, these things are being increasingly perverted. it's all his fault, I swear. anyway, thanks to numerous incidents of Snake's hormones and Viagra, this is now R.  
enjoy, fellow babies. 

***  
MGS1 bloopers 

**Snake is crawling through the vent, and pauses to admire Meryl working out in her panties.**  
**Snake:** Heheheh... *nosebleeds, causing a loud THUMP against the vent under him*  
**Meryl:** *sits up* What the...?!  
**Snake:** Aw, shit. *hurriedly crawls away* 

-- 

**The scene after the disguised Meryl and Snake take out all of the attacking guards. Meryl bolts for the elevator while Snake watches closely, developing a nosebleed (ahem). Meryl turns back and shoots at Snake.  
Snake:** *rolls to the side and dodges, then catches a certain.. part... on the ground* AAAUUUGH! *sprawls across the floor*  
**Meryl:** ... Men... 

-- 

**Snake spots Meryl in disguise and chases her into the women's bathroom. He makes it there fast enough to catch her with her pants still off as the two begin conversing.  
Meryl:** I got tired of disguising myself. The truth is... *suddenly pauses and looks down* ... Now I see why they call you Solid Snake...  
**Snake:** *turns away quickly*  
**Liquid:** You should holster that thing, brother. 

-- 

**During the mine field scene, Snake hangs back and just watches Meryl walk through... admiring the, uh, view.**  
**Colonel:** *through Codec* That had better be your SOCOM in your pocket, Snake.  
**Snake:** *bright red* ...I'll get back to you on that. *click* 

***  
MGS2 

**Fatman:** *jumps in front of Fortune and Vamp, posing dramatically* TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF! NOW! NO-  
**Fortune lowers her gun, a pair of smoking rollerblades on the floor in front of her**.  
**Vamp:** *shudders* Thank you... 

-- 

**After the fight with Vamp, Pliskin sits down to rest a bit... only to feel something in his back pocket stab him.  
Pliskin:** ACK! ... I knew I should've taken that extra M9 dart ou- *slumps back* Zzz... 

-- 

**After the Harrier is shot down...  
Solidus:** *puts a hand to his bloody face, then pulls it back, looking at the blood smeared on his fingers* My eye! They _took_ my ey- VAMP! Get off! Down boy! *smacks Vamp with a newspaper* 

-- 

**During the 'rescue Emma' mission-  
Raiden:** That lying, useless, backstabbing son of a--  
**Snake:** Don't make me kill you, kid.  
**Otacon:** Hey, calm down both of you!  
**Raiden:** *under breath* Least _I _don't sleep with my stepmom...  
**Otacon:** ... Snake, give me that gun.  
**Snake: ***hands it over to Otacon, grinning* This should be interesting! 

--  
  
**During Solidus' dramatic speech to Raiden-  
Solidus:** 'Jack the ripper!'  
**Snake:** ... you mean he kills prostitutes?  
**Solidus:** NO! He-  
**Ocelot:** Pretty-boy kills whores...?  
**Solidus: **Shut up! This is my big moment here!  
**Olga:** ...Who kills hookers?  
**Solidus:** AARGH! 

-- 

**Solidus:** Don't make me use the tentacles on you...!  
**Olga:** ...  
**Snake:** ...  
**Raiden:** ...  
**Fortune: **...  
**Ocelot:** ... do you-  
**Solidus:** Shut up, _SHUT UP_! 

-- 

**Snake:** *hands Solidus The Little Blue Pill (you know what I mean. the big V.)* Here, you ah... might want this, you know, older men tend to have problems with these kinds of things... *wink, nudge*  
**Solidus:** *growls* I'm not any older than you a-  
**Ocelot: **_I'll_ take that...! *snatches up the pill and scurries off* 


	4. Installment 4 - Bad Ronald features

this batch 99% courtesy of everyone's favorite wacky perv, Bad Ronald.. more nudie Wolf pics to him. ^_~;  
Here they are in no particular order. whee. 

***  
MGS1 bloopers 

**The ninja fight scene.  
Ninja:** *crouching in pain* Ahh... that's it... make me feel it... make me feel the pain!  
**Snake:** *cracking knuckles in excitement* You got it! *glomps the Ninja, straddles him, and starts pummeling his face* Take this! And that!  
**Ninja:** OW! OWWW! Dammit, go easy, this suit is aluminum!! 

-- 

**The Revolver Ocelot fight scene.  
Ocelot:** *twirling his Colt* Now you will see why they call me... AAAAUUUUUUGGHH!!!!  
**Just before Ocelot finishes the sentence, his finger gets lodged behind the trigger and trigger guard, causing intense pain  
Snake:** ...... Just cut off on the gun-twirling part, gun-shooting part, "They call me Revolver" part, and you'll be fine.  
**Ocelot:** SHUT UP! 

-- 

**The tower chase scene.  
Snake:** *runs up to the second level* Augh! Dammit, I'm tired!  
**Soldier 1:** *off-screen* Keep running, when you get up to the eigth level, that's our cue! Get your ass moving!  
**Snake:** ... This isn't a really fair thing to do to the main character of the game...  
(Alternate line: **Snake:** *wheezing* ... This isn't a fair thing to do to a heavy smoker...) 

-- 

**The Vulcan Raven tank fight scene.  
Raven:** Snakes don't belong in Alaska!  
**Snake:** ... Lots of things don't belong in Alaska: Ravens, Snakes, Mantises, Octopi-  
**Raven:** *putting his head in his hands in defeat* Just... shut up... 

-- 

**Meet the Darpa chief... no, meet Octopus scene. Snake stares down at the Darpa chief (Decoy Octopus), then starts to take the vent cover off.  
Octopus:** Wh- who's there?!  
**Snake hangs off the vent edges for a second, then the whole ventilation tunnel crashes down on him.  
Octopus: **....... That has got to hurt....  
**Snake:** *crawling out of the vents with a pained look on his bleeding face* You THINK!? 

-- 

**"You're a rookie..." "No, I'm not!" scene. Snake peers out the door, seeing the guard's naked ass pointing up at him. He feels Meryl's M-16 pressing on his head, but gives it no mind.  
Snake:** *admiring the guard's ass* Mmm, sexy....  
**Meryl:** *slowly backing away, seriously grossed out* ...........  
**Snake:** *looks at Meryl quickly* ... I was joking!  
**Meryl:** *still grossed out* Yeah... *gulps* Sure you were... 

-- 

**Cargo door scene. Snake takes out his cigs so he can see the laser beams in the cargo door, lights, then smokes them.  
Snake: ***smoking* ...! These smell weird... but they're so oddly good...  
**Two minutes later, Snake is happily skipping around and is giggling annoyingly.  
Director:** Ok, who replaced Snake's cigarettes with weed?  
**Otacon:** *quickly pockets a bag of Snake's cigs* ... 

-- 

**Psycho Mantis death scene. Snake takes off Mantis' mask.  
Mantis: **Luke... Luuuuke... I am your-  
**Snake suddenly conks out Mantis with his SOCOM.  
Meryl:** *looks at Snake in confusion* ...?  
**Snake:** *shrugging* I hate Star Wars. 

-- 

**The Vulcan Raven fight scene.  
Raven:** *referring to Snake's use of the Stinger to shoot down the ravens in the elevator* How dare you kill my friends...  
**Snake promptly takes out the FA-MAS and fires it in the air. Raven can only watch in shock as dead ravens plop down on the ground.  
Snake:** *reloading his FA-MAS* You were saying? 

-- 

**The battle of REX's head... Liquid Snake, sauntering around, is explaining the rules to Snake.  
Liquid:** If you cross this line, you weill fall. At this height-!! *as Liquid is talking, he walks the line to illustrate, but slips and falls of the edge* AAAAAAIIEEEEEE!  
**Snake: **.... Well, that was certainly anti-climatic... 

***  
MGS2 bloopers 

**Snake, in a dark raincoat, saunters in a relaxed manner, speaking into his CODEC. All of a sudden, he slips, due to a banana in the rain and hits his head.  
Snake:** Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!!  
**Director:** CUT! Ice run, people! Who's the genius that put a banana in the rain?  
**Otacon, unnoticed by anyone, slinks away, a sly look on his face.**

-- 

**Olga Gurlukovich is lying on the ground, conked out. Snake takes a picture of her, then calls up Otacon. Otacon looks at the image.  
Otacon:** I thought you had enough of tomboys?  
**Snake:** *starts approaching Olga with a sly look on his face* .... Not really....  
**Olga, hearing this, leaps upwards.  
Olga:** Don't you dare touch me, you perv! 

-- 

**Solidus:** *eyes Olga* So who is the father, anyway?  
**Olga:** He's another Russian, just li-  
**Ocelot walks by, tipping a sly wink at Olga.  
Solidus: **... ... You POOR, POOR woman....  
(or: **Solidus:** ... that explains why Ocelot wanted the Viagra...) 

-- 

**The fightout scene. Snake is running through the hall just before the big fightout and hears multiple soldiers running for him.  
Snake:** What?  
**When Snake gets to where the soldiers are waiting, he does not see soldiers ready to shoot him, no... he sees soldiers crammed together in the hall.  
Soldier 1:** Get off me!  
**Soldier 2:** Don't touch that!!  
**Soldier 3:** ............  
**Soldier 1:** *screams* Who's feeling up my leg?!  
**Director:** CUT! Get these people out! If that doesn't work, cut them out with a chainsaw!  
**The soldiers, hearing this, get themselves out of the hall easily.  
Snake:** So lemme guess, you guys really weren't crammed in there?  
**Soldier 1:** Nope.  
**Director:** Get the chainsaw, anyway!! 

-- 

**The meet Fatman scene. Raiden freezes, suspecting someone behind him.  
Raiden:** *whirling around* What?  
**All of a sudden, Fatman's wheels touch the slick edge of seagull crap, and he slips, bashing his head painfully on the ground.  
Fatman:** Oooowww.....  
**Raiden:** HAH!! Now you know how it feels! That's payback for all the times you made fun of me for falling in bird crap!  
**Fatman:** .... It didn't hurt much... you're just a pansy.  
**Raiden:** *seriously pissed off* Oh, really?! *cracks knuckles*  
**Fatman:** *blanches* .... Err.... 


End file.
